I have actually thought for some time now I’m might be depressed but was waiting for the signs to appear just as they did when I was dialogised at age sixteen. The feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, getting through each day on co-pilot, just no joy in anything. Well this time those feelings and emotions didn’t come up like that. So I would reassure myself that I’m completely fine. It’s just the insomnia that’s making me feel tired, emotional and to a certain point completely numb. My relationship with my sons is great and this was confusing as I expected this change. I expected my other relationships to be affected but these two relationships were what feel like normal. I expected with depression that this wouldn’t be case so this was another reason to reassure myself you are fine this isn’t depression.
The main relationship affected was my relationship with my Mr C. This is the relationship with my fiancé. It changed my feelings towards him and our relationship. I felt disconnected from him emotionally. I didn’t feel like we were people who ready to get married even though that was the one thing I had wanted to do since he proposed. I didn’t know when it happened and whether it was sudden or happened over a period of time. Our youngest was only ten months old at the time. So we had been very busy as it expected when you have children. I know I didn’t feel this lack of connection during the pregnancy. I hate to admit it but I felt numb towards him at times and I can’t explain how terrible that feels. To have him say he loves me and not sure how to answer.
I’ve had insomnia on and off for six months now since a case of laryngitis. I have seen doctor a quite a lot of times explaining I just can’t sleep and its effecting it me a lot. We have tried several medications to try to deal with this. Though I’m not a fan of taking medications it had gotten to the point that taking Master 6 to school and looking after Master 1 was becoming extremely difficult and Mr C was having to taken a lot of time off for work to help with this.
My recent appointment has ended with my doctor diagnosing me with depression and also resulted is being prescribed medication for both my insomnia and the depression. It’s still sinking in that yes I have depression. I don’t how to feel about that. I spent so long telling myself I was fine this is just a rough patch. So I continue to work on my relationship with Mr C and hope that soon I start to feel like me again. I know depression doesn’t mean I’m weak and I know that I don’t have control over this but I do have control on how I can be proactive about my treatment.
I will be back with an update about my depression in the future.
Signing off for now