I have actually thought for some time now I’m might be
depressed but was waiting for the signs to appear just as they did when I was
dialogised at age sixteen. The feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel,
getting through each day on co-pilot, just no joy in anything. Well this time
those feelings and emotions didn’t come up like that. So I would reassure
myself that I’m completely fine. It’s just the insomnia that’s making me feel
tired, emotional and to a certain point completely numb. My relationship with
my sons is great and this was confusing as I expected this change. I expected my
other relationships to be affected but these two relationships were what feel
like normal. I expected with depression that this wouldn’t be case so this was
another reason to reassure myself you are fine this isn’t depression.
The main relationship affected was my relationship with my
Mr C. This is the relationship with my fiancé.
It changed my feelings towards him and our relationship. I felt disconnected
from him emotionally. I didn’t feel like we were people who ready to get married
even though that was the one thing I had wanted to do since he proposed. I didn’t know when it happened and whether it
was sudden or happened over a period of time. Our youngest was only ten months
old at the time. So we had been very busy as it expected when you have
children. I know I didn’t feel this lack of connection during the pregnancy. I hate to admit it but I felt numb towards him
at times and I can’t explain how terrible that feels. To have him say he loves me
and not sure how to answer.
I’ve had insomnia on and off for six months now since a case
of laryngitis. I have seen doctor a quite a lot of times explaining I just can’t
sleep and its effecting it me a lot. We have tried several medications to try
to deal with this. Though I’m not a fan of taking medications it had gotten to
the point that taking Master 6 to school and looking after Master 1 was becoming
extremely difficult and Mr C was having to taken a lot of time off for work to
help with this.
My recent appointment has ended with my doctor diagnosing me
with depression and also resulted is being prescribed medication for both my insomnia
and the depression. It’s still sinking in that yes I have depression. I don’t how
to feel about that. I spent so long telling myself I was fine this is just a
rough patch. So I continue to work on my relationship with Mr C and hope that
soon I start to feel like me again. I know depression doesn’t mean I’m weak and
I know that I don’t have control over this but I do have control on how I can
be proactive about my treatment.
I will be back with an update about my depression in the
future.
Signing off for now
Kelly
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