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Friday, 22 April 2016

Unwanted Reunion

I felt sick today. Maybe it was due that fact that I had to stop taking my anxiety pills (in preparation for a new medication) or maybe it was because in just a few minutes I had to see my ex mother- in -law. It had before four years since I had last seen her, and it’s been four years since she had seen Master J. That was entirely her choice, but now I had to take my son to see a woman he doesn’t know. I didn’t want to do this. For the six years I was with her son she put me down in every possible way. Every contact with that woman who I will call Mrs D filled me with dread and today I felt it over again.

The last time those Grandparents had something to do with my son was he was two years old. I had been separated from their son for over a year by that time and I invited them over to have birthday cake and spend some time with Master J. I wanted to keep family connections open for my son no matter how much I didn’t want to see them. I wanted to do what was best for him. After the cake and they went on their way I didn’t hear from them for a long while. They knew the door to their grandson was always open as long as I received a call to make sure we were home and we lived only five minutes away. We heard nothing and their son (my ex-husband) was in and out of my son’s life.

Should I have contacted them again regarding my son? I didn’t think it was necessary.  You want to be a part of my son’s life fine but you need to make an effort.  I had to contact them a few times to get their sons ever changing phone number and Master J was never asked about. The conversations were always about her family’s drama. I didn’t want to hear it, I was done. I tried to establish a relationship with one of her daughters for my son’s sake but again it was never about my son from their end.

So a few months ago my son received a card for his sixth birthday and I a letter where she wrote about her family again and supplied a number for her son who isn’t a part of my son life, his decision. I replied that I don’t want anything sent to my address again. I was really mad. My safe place where I don’t have to deal with them my house they now had my address. I let my son have the card and the money gift that came with it. But how I can explain who these people are and why they choose not to see him. I don’t want to confuse my son and I don’t want to disrupt his life negatively.

I received a letter claiming she wanted to do mediation so she could have contact with son. My first thoughts were how dare she after all this time want to just pop in to Master J life. We have moved on. I’m engaged to someone who my son refers to as his father and Master J also now has a little brother who he adores.  Why does she now want to see my son? So I rang her and over the course of a few weeks made a time to see her. I sat down with my son and her and gave her the opportunity to connect with him. What happened? Not a lot. Master J doesn’t know her so he barely spoke to her. He was polite and answered any questions she asked. She showed me pictures of her other grandkids briefly spoke about her family and that was it. I accepted her request for a further meeting because it is about my son and not about me.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Toddler Sleep

When pregnant with my first child some friends recommended buying a porta-cot instead of a normal cot. The reasoning being it was easier to move around and didn’t take up as much space. Having a small and an irregular shaped room to be used as the nursery I decided it was a good idea. It also had the bassinet insert. However Master J seemed to hate the sleeping in that so I brought a traditional bassinet and moved him into our room till he outgrew the bassinet and moved back into the lowered part of the porta-cot at five months.

Fast forward eight months and my Master J still hated the cot. It took hours for him to go sleep and I felt like I had done everything possible when a friend suggested maybe he hated being confined. I thought maybe just maybe this person was correct but what was I to do? I couldn’t move a thirteen month old in to a bed could I? After a couple of weeks I decided I would buy Master J a single bed. I brought side rails to stop him from rolling out and was prepared to set it up when I was called by the hospital for my son to have an operation so I held off setting up the bed a moved the porta-cot in my room to be close to my son during his recovery period.

When Master J had recovered at fourteen months I set up the bed in his room beside the porta-cot which left hardly any room to move around but I wanted to cot in case the bed didn’t work out. He didn’t seem to notice the bed in his room. So after two nights I put him in his bed and followed our routine which at this stage was to stay with him until he fell asleep. It worked, he fell asleep cuddled up to his favourite bear. Apart from Master J being a terrible sleeper since birth up until about 19 months he settled into the bed quite well.

Now for Master T who is a fantastic sleeper and has been since we came home from the hospital. He also used the bassinet up until 5 months at which point we moved him to the cot that was given to us by my grandparents. It was good solid drop down side cot. Master T started having day naps in it from about four months and made the transition to sleeping at night with no problems. He was sleeping through by this time and I would have preferred he stay in my room for a bit longer but there isn’t enough space for a cot in our bedroom.

We then put Master T into a porta-cot just before his first birthday due to him constantly hitting his head against the bars of the cot which would result in him screaming. So we moved into the porta-cot and he was fine after about three nights.

After his first birthday I removed the side of the cot to turn into a toddler bed with a side rail and while he sleeps in the porta-cot at night he has his day naps in the cot turned toddler bed.

Now at almost fourteen months the question I ask myself and Mr C is when we transfer him to the toddler bed. Now or closer to age two when we buy him a single bed?

I’m interested in knowing when you moved your toddlers to a toddler bed or single beds.

Saturday, 9 April 2016


I have actually thought for some time now I’m might be depressed but was waiting for the signs to appear just as they did when I was dialogised at age sixteen. The feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, getting through each day on co-pilot, just no joy in anything. Well this time those feelings and emotions didn’t come up like that. So I would reassure myself that I’m completely fine. It’s just the insomnia that’s making me feel tired, emotional and to a certain point completely numb. My relationship with my sons is great and this was confusing as I expected this change. I expected my other relationships to be affected but these two relationships were what feel like normal. I expected with depression that this wouldn’t be case so this was another reason to reassure myself you are fine this isn’t depression.

The main relationship affected was my relationship with my Mr C. This is the relationship with my fiancĂ©.  It changed my feelings towards him and our relationship. I felt disconnected from him emotionally. I didn’t feel like we were people who ready to get married even though that was the one thing I had wanted to do since he proposed.  I didn’t know when it happened and whether it was sudden or happened over a period of time. Our youngest was only ten months old at the time. So we had been very busy as it expected when you have children. I know I didn’t feel this lack of connection during the pregnancy.  I hate to admit it but I felt numb towards him at times and I can’t explain how terrible that feels. To have him say he loves me and not sure how to answer.

I’ve had insomnia on and off for six months now since a case of laryngitis. I have seen doctor a quite a lot of times explaining I just can’t sleep and its effecting it me a lot. We have tried several medications to try to deal with this. Though I’m not a fan of taking medications it had gotten to the point that taking Master 6 to school and looking after Master 1 was becoming extremely difficult and Mr C was having to taken a lot of time off for work to help with this.

My recent appointment has ended with my doctor diagnosing me with depression and also resulted is being prescribed medication for both my insomnia and the depression. It’s still sinking in that yes I have depression. I don’t how to feel about that. I spent so long telling myself I was fine this is just a rough patch. So I continue to work on my relationship with Mr C and hope that soon I start to feel like me again. I know depression doesn’t mean I’m weak and I know that I don’t have control over this but I do have control on how I can be proactive about my treatment.

I will be back with an update about my depression in the future.
Signing off for now