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Saturday, 28 May 2016

Does Mummy Guilt Make You A Better Mother?

Mummy guilt is something I experience most of the time. I can usually add a few more things to list I feel guilty about every couple of days. What I feel most guilty about at the moment stems from last year. The second week of reception Master J had received an award at assembly for settling well into reception. I wasn’t there to see him stand up in front of the school and accept his award. It hurts to think of how proud he would have been and I missed it. I don’t know if he looked around for me but if he did the disappointment he must have felt makes me want to tear up every time I think about it. He again received another award later in the year and yes I missed that one too. I missed these assemblies because I was sick but that doesn’t make me feel better or replace me at these important events in his life.

Then there are smaller things I have done or haven’t done that I feel guilty about. I’ve been sick the last three weeks and in those three weeks I haven’t sat at the dining table with my boys. Instead of reminding one to eat and enjoy some family talk time I have been sitting in the comfort of the living room in recliner watching television and eating my dinner. The nights I have fed Master T early I have fed him in the living room not in the dining room in his high chair. I should take comfort in the fact that he had a healthy filling dinner but I don’t.  Have I spent too much time on my phone lately? Yes I’ve done that. Have i spent a lot of time on the floor playing with Master T? No I haven’t done that.  Those are two new things I can add to my mummy guilt list.

There are lots of posts out there about not judging other mums and I totally agree with that and the only person I’m judging is me.  I have heard somewhere we are our own worst critics. So the big question is does mummy guilt make me a better mother? That’s a hard one to answer. I think in some ways yes and in some ways no. I went to assembly last week with respiratory infection hoping Master J would get an award and I would be there to see him stand up in front on everyone and walk up and receive it with a big smile on his face. He didn’t get an award but I was there and he knew I was there. Mummy guilt forced me to go out in the cold, in the rain while sick just in case I missed another important moment in Master J’s life. Other times mummy guilt just makes me feel worse about me, my decisions and my actions as a mother.

What do you think about mummy guilt and what are things have you done or not done that make you feel guilty? This is a judgement free zone and a place for open discussion.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Depression update

Yes it’s been a few weeks but I have been dealing with sickness and medication withdrawal.  I had to come off the medication I was on for anxiety before I could start the new medication for depression and insomnia.  I found the medication withdrawal tough especially in the evening.  The first couple of nights I had to deal with nausea with resulted in me taking anti-nausea medication to just get through the night. The next couple of days I felt I down right horrible. Feeling constantly sick and the only that would help a little was eating. I didn’t enjoy the constant snacking. Complete lack of being to concentre on anything and the emotional meltdowns which were happening every couple of hours. This lasted a couple of weeks with the first week being the worst and had me considering just taking the medication to feel normal again.

Then my oldest son Master J had a nasty cold which lingered for a couple of weeks so our school holidays weren’t that great. Then I had gastro and have developed an upper respiratory infection from the cold I had. So I write this with a very fuzzy head and a very nasty cough. So back to the depression medication. I wasn’t able to start it till I had my blood test results back for my liver as the medication can affect the liver. I wasn’t expecting to anything to come back and wanted to start medication I wanted to feel normal I wanted to have feelings again not numbness.  Before I saw the doctor I had said to Mr C after watching a short documentary on depression that I wasn’t sure if medication was the way to go. I don’t like the way I feel when taking those type of medications and the whole point of being prescribed the medication was to help me feel better and I wanted to feel like me and I knew the medication wouldn’t help with that part. So I started thinking about other things I could do to manage the depression.

The last few nights before my doctor’s appointment I actually started sleeping eight hours straight and this hadn’t happened for over six months. Maybe it was linked to the anxiety medication.  So I went to doctor described my plan of action that I didn’t want medication just yet , that I wanted to try things like exercise (get those the feel good hormones going) and seeing a counsellor and my sleep continued that way it had been going the last few nights it had to help.  My blood results came back saying that my liver was working overtime (my doctor’s words). So the medication I had for depression was no longer an option for me.

So the exercise part hasn’t begun yet or seeing a counsellor which I really need to get on to once I’m over being sick. And how am i feeling? I feel somewhat normal in the emotions area. I’m defiantly feeling more in control sometimes and according to Mr C no big mood swings. So hopefully in time I will feel more like me. Even if I’m still trying to figure out whom that is.